You know I'm in a bad mood when I start posting here

I feel so very very shit
I have been on the internet for four fucking hours doing absolutely fucking nothing
I could have read a fucking book in all this time. So why the hell do I stay?
What keeps me here?
It's just a wait. A wait a wait a wast a waste a waiste a waste of time.
ruining my posture curling in to a deformed freak with spinal issues and dead pale skin and ugh fuck
sick of it sick of it I don't know what I want any more, I don't think I ever did, I'm so confused and annoyed and I go from being magnificently, wildly happy and ecstatic and overjoyed to miserable and confused and helpless and hopeless and angry and tired and swearing too much.
I can't seem to stay happy for long.
Things make me happy, I am happy for a little while but then I just sink back in to this misery and pessimism and baww baww my life is so hard because I have nothing to do, baww baww I have a roof over my head and an internet connection and food to eat my life is so fucking difficult god I want to just kill myself because my life is so fucking hard you know, I have so many fucking problems you know?
fuck it.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. This mindset here, this mood, this is a night time thing, it arrives at night and stays and I am just in this black mood, hating everything, fucking miserable and not knowing why, then by the next day I'm fine and it's like this part of me that gets so bleak is a detached part of my mind, ugh.

I do not see how someone could be happy all the time. And I do not feel like I am a person who has issues. There are people who quite distinctly are depressed, have issues, and what the hell am I? I feel like I need some sort of sticker slapped to my forehead for me to be able to know if there's something wrong with me. Like "HELP ME HELP ME! LABEL ME DIAGNOSE ME I WANT TO BE A SPECIAL PERSON! LAVISH ME WITH ATTENTION BECAUSE I'M SO MESSED UP!"

There's nothing fucking wrong with me apart from the fact that I fucking hate myself and I am worthless and inadequate and useless and ugh ugh what the hell what does any of this mean it doesn't mean ANYTHING because once I have slept it is GONE until the next night. This self-loathing. What the fuck is it? It's the manifestation of loneliness and isolation and misery and fear and insecurity all mashed in to one with the catalyst of boredom and a dull dull life and a stupid dull brain that cannot think of anything interesting to do because it's so fucking fixated with a few particular things.

you should not take heed to any of this, I don't think, well I don't know. Someone said to me that maybe it is valid. If it keeps happening. Maybe she is right I don't know. She also says that I look sheepish a lot of the time and dammit that is true too.
Also; I'm not making any sense. Also; no one really reads this blog that much but um I guess that's why it's good. It's just good to vent and it doesn't really matter if people see it or not. It's practically incoherent anyway.

I very much dislike not knowing what I feel. I question my every emotion and my every thought. What does it mean? Do I really feel that way? Am I really miserable/depressed, or do I just need to sleep? Is it love, or toxic radiation? (It's both, but who cares.)
So I drown my thoughts in internet bullshit to while away the hours and I just fucking sit here vegetating and dying and wishing there was something I could do and when I'm here by myself there's fucking nothing to live for, it's when I am out doing stuff that there are things. Actually I don't have to do anything I just have to be away from here.

I don't know what any of this means it's all shit.
I need some sort of direction or guidance because I'm totally useless at running my own life. Other people have already got it down fucking fine by my age because they're mature, responsible, intelligent, empathetic kind people but I'm just a piece of shit.

I am a contradiction. In those stupid online personality quiz things, that say stuff like "tick true or false: I prefer to spend time alone" or "I am happiest as the centre of attention at a party", I always go to "I prefer to spend time alone."
Well actually, I have come to learn that I really fucking don't.
I'd prefer to be alone than with a bunch of annoying people that I do not get along with, but it is my friends that keep me fucking sane, or insane, or somewhat stable, I don't know.
I don't want to be the centre of fucking attention but shit I just want someone to talk to.

LOOK AT HOW FUCKING ELOQUENT I AM. I SWEAR ALL THE FUCKING TIME. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN.
I disgust myself I am miserable I am useless I wish I could believe people when they tell me I am a good person or not inadequate I wish I could


basically: I am a stupid teenager with emotions, news at e-fucking-leven.