and I've seen all I'll ever need

It is really strange.
Last year I used this blog copious amounts. And the year before that. And now I'm just like "no sorry."
I'm really not sure why.
I feel pretty bad about it. I mean I can actually use this blog, really; it's got a funky style and it's sort of pseudo-sophisticated and no one really knows about it either. Oh, the dilemma! I don't understand the world.
Listening to Muse as usual. Though I haven't been listening to them that much recently- I've been in one of my "listening to everything ever" moods re:music, in which I have gone from Radiohead to The Horrors, from Florence to Neutral Milk Hotel and from Arcade Fire to Pink Floyd and The XX. Just sort of flitting around them.
But of course I always return to Muse, without fail.
Listening to Space Dementia. God I love this song.
This has been a strange year. It has been a year completely undocumented by blogspot.
and of course, when I'm just about to start a big pensive blog post my parents are all 'GO TO BED'.
typical.
okay. I'll go then. Maybe I'll save it for another day.
(But I'll try write some now before I properly have to go.)
Right. Anyway. This year.
It has gone impossibly, ridiculously, frighteningly fast.
There was the start of this year- fresh ideas and thoughts and music and words.
There was the obsession with Sherlock Holmes, mixed with the obsession with The Horrors. There was House of Leaves, and the thoughts and the summery days, and the Big Day Out with Muse and The Horrors and the smell of smoke.
There was the constant playing of Horses, the album by Patti Smith in the car for a long time throughout the year. There was the madness of everything at the beginning. I have a very powerful nostalgia for the start of the year. Which is weird, but I do. I really miss it, because I feel like this year has just slipped through my fingers; at the same time as is has been a really long year, with so many events, it feels like it's been about five days in my life compressed in to a confusing dream, a blur of images and memories and music and some really fucked up thoughts.
There have been all my freak outs and panics and fainting in public and crying in public and my developed fears of things, and my paranoia, and my obsessive intrusive thought processes, thoughts that began at the start of the year and culminated in May the goddamn fucking 12th; two days later, May 15th; the freakout, two days after that, going to see Iron Man 2 with Alice, completely freaking out, then talking with her, then freaking out to an extent I never thought possible.
Thus leading to the supposed acceptance of the intrusive thoughts. Which, I suppose, was a good thing; if I continued in the vein of 'NO STOP THINKING THAT' I suppose it would have culminated in my going completely batshit insane. Now I just have some really awkward emotions to contend with; ones that certainly still make me hate myself, but, you know, I can deal with it.
So. It's been a really weird year. It's definitely been a significant year. I'm certain this will stick out in my memories for all the weird events that have happened. It's been a mixture of really great things and really crap things- I've been feeling really awful about myself a lot more than usual, this year- and completely losing any interest in school I might have previously had. School is just utter tedium now. Boring, every single day, every single hour of the day is utterly boring. And I am tired, constantly. And tend to feel miserable every day. And generally I keep feeling utter hatred towards myself, and my complete inability to do anything worthwhile, or to succeed particularly well in anything. I just feel hopeless and I'm not sure how to change things in order to be better. I just can't do it. So I simply hide away in the world of procrastination. Fortunately there are a lot of things out there that make me feel a bit better. I've become quite obsessed with Monty Python this year. That is a great thing. I'm really glad about that.
And as you can see, it is the night, and whenever it's the night I get really glum and morose and everything I write is like BAWW BAWW what is life. Also I'm listening to Citizen Erased by Muse. Oh god I love this album so much. Origin of Symmetry is just incredible, okay? I miss Muse. I miss them. Which is ridiculous, I suppose, but I am just so sad that I missed so much of their life- 2001,2002, the mad insane years, 2003, 2004 with Absolution, then BH&R- I found out all of this after the fact- and as such, ten years of Muse have been compressed in to about two years of learning about them with me. I wish I could have known about them when I was a tiny kid. Impossible, really. How could I have possibly become a mad fan of Muse at the age of seven? Holy shit. I was seven when Origin Of Symmetry came out.
What. The. Fuck.
I just cannot comprehend the world.
I really truly cannot.
Oh god this song is amazing.

Citizen Erased. You are amazing.